Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Committed Partnership

As a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners once more.

Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.

Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet a person who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.